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29 Funny Marriage Quotes for Toasts, Cards, and More

Your marriage will be such a beautiful, and celebratory experience. Couples and married couples may give advice to you on love and on making a long lasting relationship with your spouse at your wedding ceremony. Funny quotes about marriage, however, are not usually the first thing that comes to mind at one’s wedding

Maybe you have a few inspirational quotes about commitment and love on your wedding invitations.  

The wedding ceremony toasts will be anecdotes about the beauty and awesomeness of marriage. 

Ultimately, all these loving quotes say that marriages really are a wonderful, fulfilling commitment!

But the best tips I know about married life are the funny ones. Funny marriage quotes, for example, often carries a lot of truth; especially in something as intimate as marriage. Use funny quotes about marriage to get laughs when you give your toast!


Hilarious Marriage Quotes from Celebrities

chinese bride wearing red dress

  • “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time”; Chris Rock


  • “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf”; Ruth Bader Ginsberg


  • “I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids”; Molly McNearney


  • “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too- for being married so many times”; Elizabeth Taylor


  • “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are”; Will Farrell 


  • “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun”; Stephanie Ortiz 


  • “Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not”; Ray Barone


  • “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”; Dennis Miller


  • “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Friday’s”; Henny Youngman


  • “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me”; Winston Churchill


  • “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner”; Jerry Seinfeld


  • “There are only three things women need in life; food, water, and compliments”; Chris Rock


  • “You could talk about same-sex-marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time’”; Robin Williams 


  • “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it away”; Joey Adams

Funny marriage couple

  • “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry”; Rita Rudner


  • “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner-just so they can have the last word”; Janet Periat


  • “You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time…. Husband”; Bill Maher


  • “Happy wife, happy life”; Jeff Allen 


  •  “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one”; Mae West


  • “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished”; Zsa Zsa Gabor


  • “I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for thirty-three years’? And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time’”; Gwyneth Paltrow


  • “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears”; Sigmund Freud

couple without wedding rings

  • “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you are right, shut up”; Ogden Nash


  • “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher”; Socrates 


  • “Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops”; Riaz Nassurally 


  • “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it”; Anne Bancroft 


  • “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday”; Cindy Garner 


  • “Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast”; Marlene Dietrich 


  • “All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage”; Lord Byron 


Why Funny Marriage Quotes are Special at Weddings

funny marriage couple

Jokes about marriage are easy to laugh at because they are relatable and help us feel understood. Your marriage is a healthy one that is a funny. From common little flaws we are all guilty of having, to personal little irritations the one and only in our life does that just drives us crazy! 

Furthermore, when experienced wedded couples throw in some funny marriage experiences, tips and proverbs, it gives the newly weds a fun way to enter into their new beginning!

Also, it’s good to know that a healthy, loving marriage is something that needs to be worked on each and every day. It is certainly those moments that we find humorous along the road of marriage that really do speak volumes of two people living their lives together.

Essentially, in this article, you will find really funny marriage quotes from an array of celebrities that will make you laugh and realize everyone faces similar marriage hurdles. Even in the best looking and most famous of marriages.

Use these funny marriage quotes in your maid of honor or best man’s speech, or in other toasts on the big day! 


Concluding Thoughts

Essentially, your marriage will have it’s hilarious moments at times, it even happens to celebrities (so we’ve seen it). From mundane to extraordinary instances you and your spouse experience together, humor in marriage is universal.

Most importantly, ever forget those funny moments, never forget laughing about them and talking about them. Laughter is the key to happiness and love, always. 

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Sariah Amin

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